We're adults! When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?

Finally, after much procrastination I too have decided to start blogging. Ironically, there could not possibly be a worst time for me to start blogging... This is primarily due to the very simple fact that my evil exams are racing towards me! Nevertheless, I see this as a good way to dish the dirt off my head and create a clear mind to absorb the much needed theories and arguments for my exams… Plus, I am hoping that it will help me to explore, discover and develop my own individualistic writing style, which (I believe) will possibly help me in my academic essay writing too. Ok, I’m going to stop justifying my ill-timing for beginning to blog and I’m just going to get on with it, here goes…

Here I am, sitting in my room. The weather fails to thrill me; the sun is still hiding creating the “perfect” gloomy atmosphere. Actually, it is sort of paralleling my current state of mind. Melancholic and lost...lost…so very lost.

Rewinding back; what I can most vividly remember is running. Perhaps, it’s what I do best, both literally and metaphorically speaking.

About a month and a half ago, I very enthusiastically finished my Sociology summative essay. Absolutely ecstatic at the thought that I had finished my work as per planned (miracle!), I wasted no time in packing up all that I needed for my Easter break. Having chucked all my ongoing problems with regards to school work, exams and the ever unresolved problems with my flat mates in the “don’t have to worry about it now” department of my mind, I hopped on to the train to London

There, I happily indulged in the wonderful company of Desmond, Pauline and fantastic Oriental food. Following that, there was the “surprise” trip to visit the SOTON girls. And, I myself was in for a little surprise as my plans changed course, resulting in me having to show up again at the girls place just as Desmond had foreshadowed. Though Desmond had warned me on how things would most likely turn out, me being the stubborn guy that I’m, I believed that I could give a proper surprise to the girls with out having to physically be there. Boy was I wrong! Though the element of surprise had to be scrapped, it all worked out for the better as I was able to spend some proper quality time with them since their second term had drawn to a close as well.

Having been on staff travel and thus on standby for my flight back, I missed my first two flights. Thanks to that, I had to modify yet another surprise plan with another bunch of friends very close to my heart. However, I eventually managed to land myself back home on the last Sunday of March. Met almost the whole khaki for a nice meal and chilled for a bit. Though it was a very short while, it was so nice to see them all.

After finally getting the visa to India, I took off for the ‘family’ holiday (minus the brother). India is an incredible place I tell you. From my holiday there, I have come to a conclusion that one can never visit India too many times. Why so? Well, because India’s beauty is lost in her…so much so that people are so mesmerized by what they discover here, and keep coming back for the same purpose over, and over again. Me thinks that there are probably a lot more wonders in India that may not have been discovered or are underexposed for this very reason. And perhaps, this explains my father’s recent decision to make an annual trip to India. My trip to India has also been spiritually very enlightening and has caused me to reflect on my temper and other issues that I ought to sort out. Hmmmmm… The only regret or factor that I was sad over, was that my bro wasn’t with us…which kind of distorted the whole idea of a family holiday. I was looking forward to spending time with him. Because, even when I’m back in Singapore for my breaks, we tend to be busy with our own stuff. Plus, it’s much more fun fighting with him than my mother. Who, takes 3 sodding hours in a sari shop *faints* But, my bro did have assignments to prep for…so, he has a valid reason to miss the holiday…

When I came back for 11days before returning for the last term of the academic year, I managed to pack sooo much into my schedule. Hmmmm, perhaps more than should have been granted…But heck that! To me, it was time well spent. There was the picnic trip to East Coast with mum, Sitthis and the cousins. Which, I must say was tones of fun and was a sort of déjà vu, reminiscent of the good old days spending quality time with the extended family. Good times, good times!!! Then, there was Esu’s 21st hatch day dinner which was a blast. I was finally dragged to Vivo City by Ronny Boy. Unfortunately, I wasn’t as impressed as Ron had reckoned I would be with the place. I really don’t know if it was the place, or if it was just my throbbing head. So, at least for Ron’s sake I’ll check it out again somewhere down the road. I also got an opportunity to meet a few people in person for the first time. Lets start with Meera, fellow lit major friend. She has an incredibly unique and almost magical way with words and articulating her thoughts that when you reads her articles, it’s like she is right there in front of you, talking to you. Her blog entries are all simply mind blowing. I was rather surprised to discover that behind the intellectual and sophisticated lady, was an eccentric (in a good way though) giggly, playful and rather dreamy girl. It’s really rare to meet people who are so brilliant yet have virtues such as being simple and humble. I guess Meera falls under that rare category of people, and it was truly my pleasure to meet her. The reason I met her was to collect her surprise to Raji. Which brings me to yet another surprise story. I got to see my mum over pre-Easter. And, Shanthi would get an opportunity to see her mum over post-Easter; she was getting “THE Key”, and her mum was coming to England to be there with her. Anyway as I saying; after interacting with Shanthi, she and I came up with a plot. We would get Raji’s mum, bf, ourselves and a few other friends to give Raji a recorded video message and a little something. This way, though she couldn’t literally see the special people who are indeed very, very dear to her, she could still see them (virtually, of course). Shanu & I believed that it would make her happy and keep her going thru the stressful exam zone. Thus, because of that I got an opportunity to meet up with Niran & Kala to collect their surprise gifts and videos for Raji and hantam Ben & Jerry’s too.

Reverting back to the topic of people I got to meet up with for the first time; I also had the chance to meet up with my friend Maddy and got well acquainted with one of his good mates Dhinesh. We clicked really well and shared an almost instantaneous comfort zone. I have learned a lot form Maddy. He is a very ardent Hindu devotee. And, some of his theories and believes in Hinduism, which he been kind enough to share with me are highly intriguing and generates food for thought. Speaking of food, Dhinesh, like me is a foodie. So, I found myself yet another supper buddy to indulge in late night mee goreng, sambal sting ray, bbq chicken wings etc…Naturally, eating and chilling is a fabulous way to make friends, and over a few suppers, I’ve learnt quite a bit about Dhinesh and vice versa, which has resulted is us becoming good mates too.

The 11 days sort of just slipped by me. Soon enough it was time to return back to the UK…not exactly something I had been anticipating. Once again, I was on standby and had to miss a few flights. However, this time round I wasn’t complaining much. Because, more time here equated to seeing my friends and family more…And it goes without saying; devouring more local food!

However, when I did finally leave I was totally unprepared for it. Ron, Maddy & Dino came to send me off. Though by this time I did actually want to be back in the UK already. Conversely, the evil Maddy and Dino were hoping I would miss my flight so we could go have supper one last time. Eventually, I was told that the flight was freaking full. And, just as I was thinking, “Ah heck it…food glorious food” and happily looked forward to supper with them…suddenly, there was one seat available on the flight. So, I had to rush the whole process of checking in and getting onto the plane. It was totally unexpected and I was rather disappointed because of the fact that I couldn’t have supper with my mates and, even more so because of the rushing I couldn’t even tell them bye properly.

Nevertheless, I didn’t really feel homesick yet. Coz once again I was in Southampton with my dear girls. Raji was thrilled to receive her little surprises. And, Shanu & I were contented with thought of having successfully surprised Raji. Little did Shanthi boss know that soon enough she would be a victim to a pleasant surprise that Raji and I had been devising for sometime already…

The next day I met Desmond and his friend Zealyn in London. We were all headed back to Durham. Des was spending the week at my place, his friend managed to get a B&B. We would be spend time exploring Durham and a few neighboring counties…We had a great time…All the chilling, eating and catching up with Desmond. However, we could never wake up at the planned time…coz we would get lost in our own conversations, regardless of whether they were intellectual talk or talking things that didn’t even vaguely make sense…It’s just, we were housemates for 8 whole months last year. At that point in time, neither of us had lived with a friend before. And trust me, living with a friend and hanging out with them every other day is so very different. You learn things about them you never ever knew existed. Having said that though, I must say; come to think about it now, when I look at the bigger picture, I’ve no regrets…absolutely none! As I have already motioned, we learnt a lot and that helped us develop our friendship…Sometimes, Desmond became the little brother I never had…And at other times, he was my substitute “Mummy”, helping me cut down on my massive sweet tooth…etc. So, we have had our fair share of ups and the downs as flat mates, but out friendship has reached a whole new level…Strangely enough, even the one week he was here paralleled the 8 months from last year; Ups and downs…fun, laughter, disagreements, change of plans…Once again, looking at the big picture…it was fan-freaking-tastic….


As Desmond and Zelyn’s mini break @ Durham ended, We all hit London. And, I headed for Shan’s 21st Birthday…Boy oh boy! Was that girl SHOCKED! I had been rather crafty and manipulative; I used the exams as a cover to miss her birthday…and the girl totally fell for it. It was great seeing her and Raji…I’ve know them for a year now. In this short time, they’ve become friends really, really great ones at that! They are the only two people who have the ability to make home seem much nearer than it actually is. I have to stop here about them, if not my already elongated entry will manifest itself into a dissertation. All I can say is, it was such great trip. In addition to that, I had a chance to meet Shanu’s Dad. He’ such a jolly man. It’s always a pleasure meeting jolly dads, some of my mates have very scary dads…no offence people…anyway you won’t know eh…like I’ll tell ya, right!

Anyway, flashback has come to an end. I’m back now, and I have to face all the problems that I have secretly been sweeping under the carpet, in the false hope that they will all vanish. Now, they eagerly await to devour me. Any remaining fuzzy warm feelings of home have been ripped away. Feels so far man! The fact that I don’t get along with my flat mates wouldn’t really help so much, right! Back to being all fake and having superficial conversations. And, to put the icing on the cake; having your friends from other flats call you to events that are being held in your flat mates, in your bloody flat!

But you know what? I couldn’t be less bothered by this. I know I have friends, whoever they are and wherever they may be…who needs superficial fakies? I’m just feeling really annoyed that recently I’ve been annoying people who I’m really close to…I really don’t want to, I really don’t mean too…But, I think its among one of my many default innate natures to annoy the hell out of people I’m really fond of when they are within a 10 meter radius of me!

Sometimes, I feel that I should just shut myself away from civilization…keep a super-low profile. And the relationships I’ve with people will improve tremendously…Hmmmm…a passing thought; So, they say distance makes the heart fonder...I ponder, I ponder...Or, does out of sight equate to out of the mind...I wonder, I wonder...

Also, a lot of my freaking insecurities are beginning to surface…especially so with regards to my playing field. When I wanted to read my degree in Literature…it caused some waves among people I knew. But, I thought to myself, just because people don’t study Law, Sociology, Medicine, etc… at a secondary school or pre-u level, it doesn’t stop them from becoming professionals in those fields. And thus, I went with my gut instincts… But now, some quotes of people are stinging me; “Arunan, you cant even spell properly…you want do lit…HAHAHA”, “You, haven’t heard of this book or author, and u call yourself a lit student, god” “You, you got into Durham…the uni which offers the best Eng Lit program in the whole of the UK, who did you bribe” “You are a lousy Lit student” “What! You haven’t heard of that word? Hello!!! you are doing English for heaven sake”….


NO! I can’t let this get to me…Not now…I owe it to myself…and more importantly to my parents. They have given me this chance, the only chance to redeem myself from being the sore looser I was going to be….I can't disappoint them…it’s just not an option…

Also, I’m a little irked with the fact that the window, the backup one…has been slammed shut. It’s been a reoccurring thought …but this is a password-protected thought…so, I’ll tell you if you remember to ask and I’m cool with sharing it with ya…moving on…

ARGH, in fact, this very post is starting to irritate me…It sounds so whiny and complacent…Why can’t I be like those normal guys… not a sentimental idiot…not an emotional freak…one that uses his brain and not his heart to think… be a cool and a mystery man of few words, that people are intrigued to find out more and not a guy that shoot words out without thinking enough. Which, results on him having to explain himself or edit and then re-edit his word and thoughts…

I guess that explains the reason I’ve ticked off so many people lately…Plus, the obviously non-existent love life…hmmmmm… a blow delivered from her, the object of my affection, occurring is something I don’t want to, and don’t have time to think about…so, lets not even go there…

Yeah, I’m done…about time huh! There, did it! Dished all the dirt out. My dear Problems, please bugger off now and return after the 29th of May. Then, I’ll have all the time to reflect and sort ya out one by one. Now, go!!! Clear mind!!! Will be able to mug away for the exams, without obsessing over my worries. Finally, I think I would like to end with two quotes, which at this point of time make a lot of sense to me; the more I read and try to interpret them, the more sense they make…

1) At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.

2) We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?

P.S. if you got this far…I owe you a super big thanks for taking the time and effort to go through my random ranting. This heartfelt thank-you included; thank YOU!

i'm forever indebted to Kala

heya Aru! u owe me big time! I'M GONNA HUNT U DOWN e next time u come to singapore!


muahahahahahahahahahahaha


lovelove,
Kala